KAAMOS

It´s the end of November and I haven´t updated my blog for a while. And it is because of "kaamos", the polar night. Althought I live in Southern Finland it is dark, gray, cold and depressing here too. This distressing time of year makes me very tired and for me it´s every year harder and harder. I am quite sure that when I´ll die, I´ll die in November. I´ll just fall asleep and won´t wake up again in this life.

In October I had my birthday. I am 50 years old now. Couple of weeks after my birthday my doctor told me I am not well anymore. Awareness of that made me angry. I am not that old!!!! I was well when I went to the clinic and I was ill when I came home. Unfair!!! I am not going to die - yet - if I´ll change my way of living. But why it is so difficult?

Few weeks ago was Kekri. I forgot to take any photos of our celebrating, but we had a very nice day. Good food, good wine, good friends and relatives with me. Usually I go to the nearest forest to my sacred place, but now I didn´t. Last year I was there with Hilla - as every year before - but now I felt it too hard to go there alone. But in Kekri night I had a strange dream. Or was it a dream? As you might know Kekri is the day when decedents can come back. In the evening I started to watch tv-programs in Internet. I have a nice chair in my working room and I felt asleep. Suddenly I woke up, my cats were doing something noisy. I looked to my cats and I saw a hedgehog on the floor. My cats were sniffing the hedgehog. I watched them for awhile and then the hedgehog walked behind my chair. I standed up, but I didn´t see the hedgehog anymore. And then I heard "klonk"...something dropped down. My cats were still with me in the working room. I went downstairs, but there was nothing. Then I went to my bedroom and Hilla´s casket was fallen. Last summer a hedgehog came to me in by backyard and I felt it was a reincarnation of one of I have loved years ago. Did Hilla´s spirit take a shape of hedgehog? Was Hilla visiting here? Did she tell me that a hedgehog is my new power animal?

Today I got some photos by email. In the end of summer a very nice young woman asked me if I would like to take part of her project. She was taking pictures of people who have a strong belief. And she asked me to be her model of Finnish paganism. It was a very nice sunny Saturday when I went with Saara Olkkonen to Seurasaari, a museum area in Helsinki. Thank you, Saara!

Me and a squirrel.

A squirrel

Couple of squirrels

Me and a bird. This picture is my favourite.

Me and a kantele.