There was a time when my guardian spirit, my power animal just looked at me and thought: "yes, this woman needs a wolf of her own". And he gave me Hilla. Hilla was born 6th June 1996. And she died 10th July 2011. Before Hilla came in to my life I was not a Finnish pagan. But in these 15 years I became a Finnish pagan. Hilla looked like Vonga, the dog from my childhood. Hilla was bigger and maybe more like a wolf. Anyway Hilla was my guardian angel, a re-incarnation of my power animal wolf.
Over 10 years ago, one dark night Hilla showed me the rock in a forest. We just walked there and suddenly Hilla stopped. It was full moon but not yet snow. I think it was October or November. Hilla sat down and watched to me. Like thinking "mom, you should realize something". And I realized. I felt the forest, I felt Tapio, the God of Forests. I heard the trees speaking to me. Hilla lied down and so did I. I watched stars on the sky, I watched the trees. And I noticed how Tapio came to me. That was the first time I was so close to one of my gods. I´ll never forget the feeling and I´ll never forget my god promised to stay with me where ever I´ll go and whatever I´ll do.
After that night I usually let Hilla to show where we should go. And she always knew. She also knew when I was worried about something, when I was sick or just tired. Hilla´s heart was part of my heart. Hilla showed me places in the dark forest I could not find without her. Usually at full moon we sat nearby Lammaslampi at night and we howled. We howled like wolves. No matter if it was shining, raining or snowing. Hilla, the moon and me.
I´ll never forget the day Hilla died. It was Sunday and a very hot day. On Saturday I told Teemu he should hug Hilla before he`ll go to sleep because I was not sure Hilla could survive to morning. But Hilla was okay at Sunday morning. Suddenly in the evening her legs become paralyzed and there was nothing else to do than call a veterinarian. At 19:20 Hilla died in our livingroom. On my lap. She just felt asleep but my heart was broken.
When Hilla died I coudn´t sleep. I couldn´t go to my bed in my bedroom. I slept on the floor in livingroom...just at the place where Hilla had died. It took about 3 weeks when I got Hilla - or her ashes - back to home. It took couple of days when my dear friend told me Hilla was still here. Hilla was here because she didn´t want to leave us. And she was confused. I knew I had to do something...I had to have a ritual for Hilla. For her to go.
It was new moon when I took the cascet and I made the last journey with Hilla. We went to my sacred place and I sacrificed to my gods. I walked around Lammaslampi. When I came home I opened my bedroom´s window, I inflamed an incense and I started to drum.
And I prayed my gods they´ll let Hilla to go. I told Hilla she was allowed to come back if she wants. Just like all my other dear decedents do. And after couple of weeks Hilla came back...I felt her when I was going to market.
I used to go out with Hilla at nights. So it was quite hard to notice I am a coward and I do not dare to go out at night without Hilla. But tonight I did it. Alone. I went to the forest, I went to Lammaslampi. And Hilla´s spirit was with me all the time.
