KAAMOS

It´s the end of November and I haven´t updated my blog for a while. And it is because of "kaamos", the polar night. Althought I live in Southern Finland it is dark, gray, cold and depressing here too. This distressing time of year makes me very tired and for me it´s every year harder and harder. I am quite sure that when I´ll die, I´ll die in November. I´ll just fall asleep and won´t wake up again in this life.

In October I had my birthday. I am 50 years old now. Couple of weeks after my birthday my doctor told me I am not well anymore. Awareness of that made me angry. I am not that old!!!! I was well when I went to the clinic and I was ill when I came home. Unfair!!! I am not going to die - yet - if I´ll change my way of living. But why it is so difficult?

Few weeks ago was Kekri. I forgot to take any photos of our celebrating, but we had a very nice day. Good food, good wine, good friends and relatives with me. Usually I go to the nearest forest to my sacred place, but now I didn´t. Last year I was there with Hilla - as every year before - but now I felt it too hard to go there alone. But in Kekri night I had a strange dream. Or was it a dream? As you might know Kekri is the day when decedents can come back. In the evening I started to watch tv-programs in Internet. I have a nice chair in my working room and I felt asleep. Suddenly I woke up, my cats were doing something noisy. I looked to my cats and I saw a hedgehog on the floor. My cats were sniffing the hedgehog. I watched them for awhile and then the hedgehog walked behind my chair. I standed up, but I didn´t see the hedgehog anymore. And then I heard "klonk"...something dropped down. My cats were still with me in the working room. I went downstairs, but there was nothing. Then I went to my bedroom and Hilla´s casket was fallen. Last summer a hedgehog came to me in by backyard and I felt it was a reincarnation of one of I have loved years ago. Did Hilla´s spirit take a shape of hedgehog? Was Hilla visiting here? Did she tell me that a hedgehog is my new power animal?

Today I got some photos by email. In the end of summer a very nice young woman asked me if I would like to take part of her project. She was taking pictures of people who have a strong belief. And she asked me to be her model of Finnish paganism. It was a very nice sunny Saturday when I went with Saara Olkkonen to Seurasaari, a museum area in Helsinki. Thank you, Saara!

Me and a squirrel.

A squirrel

Couple of squirrels

Me and a bird. This picture is my favourite.

Me and a kantele.

HILLA

I am not sure if I am ready to tell about Hilla. Is it still too painfull...I don´t know. I just know it is very painfull. Half of my heart and soul died when Hilla died.

There was a time when my guardian spirit, my power animal just looked at me and thought: "yes, this woman needs a wolf of her own". And he gave me Hilla. Hilla was born 6th June 1996. And she died 10th July 2011. Before Hilla came in to my life I was not a Finnish pagan. But in these 15 years I became a Finnish pagan. Hilla looked like Vonga, the dog from my childhood. Hilla was bigger and maybe more like a wolf. Anyway Hilla was my guardian angel, a re-incarnation of my power animal wolf.

Over 10 years ago, one dark night Hilla showed me the rock in a forest. We just walked there and suddenly Hilla stopped. It was full moon but not yet snow. I think it was October or November. Hilla sat down and watched to me. Like thinking "mom, you should realize something". And I realized. I felt the forest, I felt Tapio, the God of Forests. I heard the trees speaking to me. Hilla lied down and so did I. I watched stars on the sky, I watched the trees. And I noticed how Tapio came to me. That was the first time I was so close to one of my gods. I´ll never forget the feeling and I´ll never forget my god promised to stay with me where ever I´ll go and whatever I´ll do.

After that night I usually let Hilla to show where we should go. And she always knew. She also knew when I was worried about something, when I was sick or just tired. Hilla´s heart was part of my heart. Hilla showed me  places in the dark forest I could not find without her. Usually at full moon we sat nearby Lammaslampi at night and we howled. We howled like wolves. No matter if it was shining, raining or snowing. Hilla, the moon and me.

I´ll never forget the day Hilla died. It was Sunday and a very hot day. On Saturday I told Teemu he should hug Hilla before he`ll go to sleep  because I was not sure Hilla could survive to morning. But Hilla was okay at Sunday morning. Suddenly in the evening her legs become paralyzed and there was nothing else to do than call a veterinarian. At 19:20 Hilla died in our livingroom. On my lap. She just felt asleep but my heart was broken.

When Hilla died I coudn´t  sleep. I couldn´t go to my bed in my bedroom. I slept on the floor in livingroom...just at the place where Hilla had died. It took about 3 weeks when I got Hilla - or her ashes - back to home. It took couple of days when my dear friend told me Hilla was still here. Hilla was here because she didn´t want to leave us. And she was confused. I knew I had to do something...I had to have a ritual for Hilla. For her to go.

It was new moon when I took the cascet and I made the last journey with Hilla. We went to my sacred place and I sacrificed to my gods. I walked around Lammaslampi. When I came home I opened my bedroom´s window, I inflamed an incense and I started to drum.

And I prayed my gods they´ll let Hilla to go. I told Hilla she was allowed to come back if she wants. Just like all my other dear decedents do. And after couple of weeks Hilla came back...I felt her when I was going to market.

I used to go out with Hilla at nights. So it was quite hard to notice I am a coward and I do not dare to go out at night without Hilla. But tonight I did it. Alone.  I went to the forest, I went to Lammaslampi. And Hilla´s spirit was with me all the time.

VONGA

I have been a little bit busy last week, but now I have time to write again.You´ll maybe think why I am writing these things, but I have to tell some things in a special order. My spiritual path has been long, it took several decades. And these things I am telling have a very special meaning in my life and they are part of my spritual path and also often a reason of my belief.

In my childhood I didn´t have any pets until I was 13 years old. As I told earlier I spent my summer holidays in Haapamäki. I think I was about 6 years old when my aunt took a dog. No, she didn´t take a dog, she took the dog. In my memories I still have the first evening when I saw that little puppy. I was a little bit afraid of him, because he had very sharp teeth and he loved to bite my toes, fingers and my nose. When I went to bed I tried to crowl deeply under my blanket. But it was unnecessary, because the puppy always found his way to under my blanket. And he started that biting until he was too tired to do anything else than sleep with me. His name was Vonga.

I don´t know why they gave that kind  of name to a dog. But in my ears this name sounds Sami. There live Sami people in Lapland, in Northern Finland. Vonga was "mixed-race" and I think nobody exactly knows his provenance. Anyway there was something wolfish in Vonga and maybe that is why I loved him so much.

Everytime I went to Haapamäki I wanted to spend my time with Vonga. When he was an adult dog, my aunt denied him to sleep inside the house. Vonga had a doghouse outside and my aunt told me that dogs can´t spend their nights inside. Okay, I slept in the doughouse with Vonga. That was the only night I have ever slept in a doghouse but after that my aunt decided Vonga can sleep inside when I am in Haapamäki.

Vonga was not very well trained, he was wild and mostly disobedient. But he loved me as much as I loved him. We were inseparable. He loved to runaway whenever it was possible and he might stay away several hours. Once  in October 1972 Vonga disappeared again and he never came back home. He was roadkill. The driver had burried him and I don´t know where Vonga´s grave is. That day was the end of my happy childhood and I realized that I can lose everything and everybody I love.

SEASONS

As in many other native religions, also in Finnish paganism people´s view of time was based on seasons. In Finland difference between seasons is quite notable. The main difference is in light, temperature and colors.

Light depends on when sun rises and when it sets. We have four important days in a year when something significant happens. The first one in spring is vernal equinox. Then the bright time is as long as the dark time. The second day in summer is summer solstice. Then the bright time is longer than any other day, in the Northen Finland sun does not set at all. The third day in autumn is autumnal equinox and then the bright time is again as long as the dark time. And the fourth day in winter is winter solstice. Then the dark time is longer than any other day, in the Northen Finland sun does not rise at all.

Temperature depends on sun. If sun does not rise at all, then it´s colder and if it does not set at all, then it´s warmer. Well, this is just a simple explanation, but it was a reasonable explanation for people, who did not know anything about the distance between sun and the Earth, atmosphere etc. Many plants in Finland die in autumn, many plants overwinter under the snow.

In spring plants wake alive. At first leaves are very small and have very beutiful light green color. Finnish people call these tiny leaves as "hiirenkorva" which means an ear of mouse. In the beginning of summer plants are light green but the color changes darker. When summer is gone, some plants change their color. Some plants are yellow, some are red and some are orange. Some plants have all those three colors. In the end of autumn trees drop their leaves. In winter the landscape can be very beautiful if there is snow. Then the color of nature is white, silver and light blue. But if there is not snow, then the landscape is gray and very ugly.

In societies where living depended on agriculture, hunting and fishing, the weather was very important. If it was too cold, too hot, too rainy or too dry, you could lose your harvest. Also animals didn´t have enough food and the hunters didn´t get enough booty. Unfortunately  people suffered hunger.

Our ancestors believed that gods decide what kind of weather we have. So it was important to keep gods satisfied and absolutely you must not make gods angry. In spring and in the beginning of summer there is several holidays for gods. But life was not that simple.... we also have imps, spirits and other creatures who can ruin your harvest, kill your cows and so on. So you must keep them satisfied too. If you have made a god or an imp angry, you have to apologize and compensate it somehow. You can sacrifice to gods or bribe the imps. Sometimes if you are clever and cunning, you can cheat the imps. But if they notice you are cheating they´ll get more angry and then you have a big trouble.

So summer was the season when it was able to grow food. Autumn was the season for harvest. In winter it was impossible to grow anything and that is why it was important to preserve berries, vegetables, mushrooms and whatever you had. It was typical to butcher at least part of your cattle because usually there was not enough food for animals and the winter was too long. In autumn people had a lot of work as preparing themselves for winter. And when everything was done it was time to celebrate Kekri. I´ll tell more about Kekri when I´ll begin to prepare myself for it.

Nowadays we don´t need to grow our food ourselves. We can go to market and buy it. In winter we can buy Spanish tomatoes or Finnish tomatoes which grow in greenhouses. Nevertheless every summer I want to preserve berries and vegetables myself. I have done it over 30 years, since I moved away from my parents home. It is a tradition I want to keep alive.

BIRDS AND RABBITS

I am used to work at home but today I had to go to our office. When I left the office and waited train at Pasila station, I saw birds. As I usually see when I wait a train or a bus. Those little birds came to me and looked my feets. People near me propably thought I am insane because I started to chat with the birds. I asked them how they are, are they going to fly away from Finland before winter etc. Politely they answered "tsirp tsirp".

I have allways loved animals. When I was a child and my friends took care of their baby dolls, I took care of my teddy bear. Of cource I had a baby doll too, but I never found anything interesting in that plastic object. My parents usually travelled all around Europe with my older sister and my cousins, when they had a summer holiday. They asked me to come with them, but I didn´t want to. So when holiday started, my parents took me to my aunts home in Haapamäki which is a little village in the middle of Finland. By the way, Haapamäki is situated in the most beautiful area of Finland.

Behind my aunts house there is a forest. A big forest. And in the forest I had a graveyard for animals. Whenever I found a dead bee, bird or squarrel, I arranged funerals. I gave names to all those poor creatures and took care of their "last journey". It took decades until I really realized the relation between me and animals. But we had the spiritual connection over 40 years ago.

I believe I am just part of the Nature. As valuable as an ant, a rabbit or a bear. I also believe the animal can be one of my deceased relatives or friends. That is why I want to treat animals as well as I hope I´ll be treated. I don´t want to damage animals, not even fright them. Sometimes this attitude complicates my own life and I have to change my plans. Last time that happened on April when I noticed there is a nest in my backyard. I was preparing a barbeque and when I went out I saw the nest. And the blackbird in her nest.

So I had to forget barbeque for a while because I thought smoke can fright those birds and maybe "Mr and Mrs Hubert" abandons their nest. But what else could I do? There was no sign "Please, do not build your nest here". The nest was there and eggs in the nest.

When the babies had hatched my life changed more difficult. I was just starting my gardening and I had a lot of things to do in my tiny backyard. Everytime Mr or Mrs Hubert came back with a worm in their mouth they sat on my appletree. I had to stop working, sit down on my garden chair and wait until the birds had feeded their kids. You can imagine my gardening was not very fast because there was three little blackbirds in the nest. I gave them names Lars, Leevi and Lestadius. Why those names? Once there was a Christian preast named Lars Leevi Lestadius and he represented a very narrow-minded cult. Those baby birds limited my life so much I thought those names will be very suitable.

Weeks went on and one day I noticed the nest was empty. Both parents and kids had gone. It was possible to live normal life again. Until I heard the well-known sound again. Yes, Mr and Mrs Hubert were back and there was new eggs in the nest. This time they got four babies and I gave them biblical names: Matteus, Markus, Luukas and Johannes.

At the same time I noticed the nest I also noticed that someone had eaten my appletree. Last winter we had a lot of snow in Southern Finland, more than usually. So it´s quite typical that rabbits need more food if it´s very cold and there is a lot of snow. I had forgotten to cover my tree with a fabric so it was my fault the appletree was eaten. But I was quite annoyed. When I looked out of window I saw the guilty person there... laying under a table.

He looked so satisfied I gave him name Brynolf von Appfelbaum, The Highness of My Backyard. So I had birds and I had a rabbit. And I was going to seed carrots. Fortunately Brynolf left my carrots alone, but I seed six potatoes too on a tiny area in my garden. One day I was in my kitchen and I saw at the window how Brynolf run over my potato field. That horrible beast ruined 1/3 of my potato harvest!!!!

In this summer there has been frogs and a hedgehog in my backyard too. They are quite funny because they don´t care if I am there. I only need to raise my feet so these funny animals don´t beat my toes. Maybe they don´t want to do it but I don´t want to take the risk.

UKKO YLIJUMALA

Today I realized summer is ending. And it made me feel sad. As long as I can remember I have loved summer. I love light, sunshine and nightless nights. I love that green color, warm wind and the smell of rain. Especially I love thunder.

Some Finnish pagans think that Ukko Ylijumala is the highiest and most powerfull god. Some pagans think that he is not. Of course he is "the highiest" because he is the god of sky and thunder. But is he more powerfull than the others? Imagine a warm day. Not the first one, not the second one. It has been warm for a while. Suddenly you notice that the light disappears. You can´t see the beautiful light blue sky anymore. Dark gray clouds cover the sun. Birds stop singing and wind stops blowing. Silence. Imagine those few seconds when every single animal and every single plant is waiting. Then  it starts. The first flash rips the sky in two parts. You can hear the noice, the magnificent explosion. You start to count seconds.... is it coming or going away? Do we have any other god who could do anything like that? In my opinion we don´t.

Some people are afraid of thunder. Some people are not. It´s quite understandable to be afraid of fire which the flash has lighted. Maybe that is why Ukko Ylijumala has been very scary and pagans don´t want to exasperate him. Ukko Ylijumala also makes the rain so if your living depends on agriculture it is not very wise to make him angry.

I am not afraid of thunder or Ukko Ylijumala. But I don´t resist against him. I don´t go sailing when it´s thunder. I don´t go under a tree or climb to a lamp-post. Every time I see flashing and hear the noice of thunder I feel humble and I just enjoy of the power of Ukko Ylijumala. In fact...I have not even sacrificed for him... I don´t need to.

MY SECRET

Sometimes people ask me what is my secret. Why I am always so calm, patient and trustful. They are wrong: I am not. But in my heart I know there will always be something I can trust. My belief. My ancestors belief.

I live in Finland and at least since year 1550 all my ancestors have lived in Finland. So my roots are deep inside this beautiful country. Although my family is Christian - as most people in Finland are - I am not. Hundreds of years ago we had our own ancient religion. A wonderful religion with several gods, imps, elfs and spirits. A religion which made a human being as a part of the Nature. But Finnish people had the same destiny as so many people all over the world: Christianity. Finnish people forgot their own gods. They forgot all imps, elfs and spirits. They forgot they are part of the Nature. They forgot all rituals and traditions.

Nowadays, if I tell about my belief, most Finnish people are astonished. They say they have never heard about our own belief. They wonder what is Kekri and why someone celebrates it. I am a lucky one because my family never forgot.

This is my story and probably everything that my family has left from the religion of our ancestors. I am an eclectic Finnish pagan and I have added some special myths and traditions into my belief. I am sorry if there will be typos or mistakes in grammar, but my native language is Finnish, not English.